Top 5 Ways to Torment Don Henley

This writer has some issues, namely with Eagles frontman, drummer, guitar player Don Henley. We all hate the Eagles, but this guy takes it to a whole new level. Enjoy.

-- By Pappa Bear

5. Strap him in a chair and make him listen to "Boys of Summer" on a constant loop while I force-feed him creamed corn.

I want to dump lighter fluid on his crotch and make him explain why he wrote the lyric "Dead Head sticker on a Cadilac." Every time he says "I don't know" I either put my cigarette out on his forehead or light his crotch on fire.

4. Follow him around in a non-descript vehicle, and every time "Hotel California" is played on the radio, I shoot him in the nuts with a bee bee gun.

"Hotel California" is one of the most over-played, over-appreciated, over-rated, horrible, horrible song played by a drummer who isn't really a drummer, and a crappy guitar player and singer at that.

3. Find out where he lives and constantly shit on his doorstep. Hey, if I gotta deal with his shitty music, he has to deal with my shit.

2. Drop about 100 pounds (because I'm fat), seduce him into being my lover and and that he's gay, and that the Eagles need to go on tour. While on tour, have Perez Hilton hide in the closet and take pictures on Don Henley giving me a reach-around, thereby destroying his family and everything he has built personaly.

1. Eight guys, one Don Henley.

Once again, Don Henley is tied to a chair. The jumper cables go from the battery to his nippes, and there are 8 men with HIV circling him, and on top of Don's head is a champagn glass. All eight men jerk off into the glass. Mini Me from Austin Powers fame, removes the glass from Don's head, Gary Coleman (needing the paycheck) force feeds him the infected man goo while we play home videos of me having sex with his wife on a massive screen TV as "Hotel California" blairs in the background.

Top 5 Worst Moments of the Bush Administration

The Worst to Least's liberal bias comes shining through on this Top 5 of the Worst Moments of the Bush Administration. Hey, can you blame us for hatin'? There are countless embarrassing, shameless, angering moments that make your body fill with rage as you pound your fists into the wall until they are a bloody mess... well, maybe not that bad. But there are some pretty awful moments. Here are our Top 5. Enjoy!

Top 5 Worst moments of the Bush administration

5. Election theft. George Bush lost the popular vote to Al Gore by more than 540,000. There is no denying that. But the chaos in Florida that ensued was just the first step in what is, no doubt, the worst presidency in American history – and some would argue, the worst leadership under a democratic country.

On November 27, Republican Secretary of State Katherine Harris officially certified Bush as the "winner" in Florida by 537 votes.
Since then independent investigations by the media have revealed that many illegal votes were counted and many legal votes were not.

Unfortunately, Bush, his brother, Gov. Jeb Bush, Secretary of State Katherine Harris, and a partisan Republican majority on the U.S. Supreme Court were too much weighing against Gore to make a stand.

The real tragedy is that the Democrats lost this race, as they did in 2004 when Bush had a wretched approval rating and the country was mired in two unpopular wars. Hand it to the Republicans, they know how to win.

4. Claim of Weapons of Mass Destruction. In February 2003, Secretary of Defense Colin Powell gave a presentation before the U.N. Security Council that was instrumental in convincing both the American public and large swaths of the international community that Saddam Hussein had large stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq that posed an immediate threat to global security. During his speech, Powell told scary tales of mobile biological weapons labs, chemical weapons stockpiles and aluminum tubes that could be used in a nuclear weapons program. All of these claims turned out not only to be wrong, but as Powell later acknowledged was "deliberately misleading."

3. Hurricane Karina. Bush and Vice President Dick Chaney were on vacation when numerous detailed reports of the Level 5 Hurricane hit the desks of our national leaders. Both stayed on vacation when the storm hit, despite numerous warnings and pleads for help from FEMA, as well as several southern coast state representatives.

The Associated Press reported March 1, 2006, that film footage it had obtained, "along with seven days of transcripts of briefings ... show in excruciating detail that while federal officials anticipated the tragedy that unfolded in New Orleans and elsewhere along the Gulf Coast, they were fatally slow to realize they had not mustered enough resources to deal with the unprecedented disaster.” Bush sat on his hands, playing golf, hunting, and living in the lap of luxury while the nation’s worst natural disaster bore its terrible jaws down on the Gulf Coast, taking thousands of lives and leaving a region in ruin.

Bush made a flyby of the wreckage Aug. 31. This was "the perfect metaphor for his entire presidency," Arianna Huffington, of The Huffington Post wrote August 31, 2005, "detached, disconnected, and disengaged. Preferring to take in America's suffering -- whether caused by the war in Iraq or Hurricane Katrina -- from a distance. In this case, 2,500 feet.”

2. Abu Ghraib. In the beginning of 2004, reports of sodomy, rape, physical and psychological torture began to emerge from Abu Ghraib Prison, in Iraq. Several prisoners also died due to torture and effects of malnourishment. Prisoners were put through the ringer – being bloodily beaten, while soldiers mugged for the camera. Soldiers forced prisoners to disrobe and masturbate on camera, pile on top of one another in naked pyramids, and one Iraqi teenage boy was raped by a male soldier as another took photos.

Bush denied any knowledge of torture, however, many -- including this writer -- believe the administration looked the other way. There was a culture of abusing prisoners, calling it “enhanced interrogation techniques.” However, Bush approved memos on torture that have been released. Bush even admits now that he approved of torture and has no regrets.

The United States Department of Defense removed seventeen soldiers and officers from duty, and eleven soldiers were charged with dereliction of duty, maltreatment, aggravated assault, and battery. Between May 2004 and March 2006, eleven soldiers were convicted in courts martial, sentenced to military prison, and dishonorably discharged from service. Two soldiers, Specialist Charkes Graner, and his former fiancée, Specialist Lynndie England, were sentenced to ten years and three years in prison, respectively.

It’s hard to believe that soldiers are rotting in jail just because they followed the orders of the commander in chief. Why isn’t Bush in jail?

1. The invasion of Iraq. There has been no bigger folly than the invasion of Iraq, from there being no WMDs, to claiming victory under a “Mission Accomplished” banner, to its pointless drag-out. There was no threat from Hussein, who I will never defend as a person. He was a rotten human being who tortured and murdered innocent people. To date, more than 30,000 soldiers have been wounded or killed in battle, but none of us are quite sure what they’re dying for. There have been even more civilians killed, from bombing raids to accidental deaths of men, women and children caught in the cross fire and suicide bombings.

The entire situation is maddening. The invasion was built on lies, and has continued to line the pockets of private companies. The total number of private contractors now outnumbers soldiers in both Afghanistan and Iraq – a first in American history.

A positive was the capture of Hussein, and I give credit to the hard-working soldiers who captured him. But we are wondering as a collective public how the country will be better. We’ve left them with a poorly prepared security force, torn down their economy, left their cities and landscapes scabbed with the wounds of war, and made more enemies along the way.

The entire war reeks of profiteering, bad intelligence, lost life, and a foul taste left in the mouths of the American people who look for meaning in the war.

Bush denies torture



Cheney admits torture - though stands by it

Top 5 Things Women Are Clueless About in Bed

Both men and women have their flaws when it comes to sex. But this list is about women, who have some quirks and hang-ups, and many could use a few lessons from Dr. Ruth.


-- By The Golden Boy

5. Watching Porn.
There are a couple angles on this. Some women think that men watch it because they're perverted or they want to fantasize about another woman. The truth is, it's just sexy to watch people get it on.
The other angle is some women are squeamish about watching porn with their man. Again, they think it's dirty or wrong. But there's nothing wrong with it. Give it a shot, ladies, you may just like it. And I can guarantee your man will like it, too.

4. Lingerie. Some women think a silk nighty is lingerie. Look, it's cute, and it works, but we men want a flat-out dirty whore look. If it is crotchless, comes with a bustier, or you have "fuck me boots," pigtails, or anything you may see a stripper wear on stage, then you are heading in the right direction.

3. Sex toys. A lot of men are intimidated by them, but they don't know what they're missing. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know what they're missing, either. Sure, lots of gals have a vibrator or two in the nightstand, but many are scared or grossed out by them. Once you go electric, you never go back. In fact, some women get hooked. But it's a guaranteed ticket to Orgasmville. Plus, you can use them during sex and foreplay, and it pleases the man and gives him a little break. Give it a shot, ladies.



2. Blow jobs. Most women I have ever been with claim to give amazing blow jobs. I have found if they boast of their blowing abilities, they're going to suck... suck at giving blow jobs, that is. The most common problem is teeth, or at least it has been in my experience. They scrape them up and down the shaft, making us squirm in pain, not pleasure. The other problem is snail speed. The gal will have one very slow gear, and she just doesn't mix it up. Some chicks just don't enjoy it, and you can tell - even if they don't say anything. It sucks the joy right out of it. Ladies, you just have to throw yourself into it. Practice makes perfect, so get to work!

1. Hand jobs. It's almost comical when most women try to give a hand job. We men came out of the womb tugging on our junk. We didn't even know it as babies, but we were playing with ourselves. And we don't really ever stop. Throughout our lives we have become masters of giving ourselves hand jobs. We can do it better, faster, and with minimal effort. I've had women tug on my penis, as if she were check to see if a rope was taut. Some squeeze it like they're choking a rat to death. Others grab it around the base and take half your pubes with each yanking stroke. You're better off attempting a blow job.

Top 5 Best Comic Book Movies

This is a tough topic to tackle. It’s not because there’s a huge pot of truly great comic book movies. In fact, the film industry has crapped out careless comic-based movies without any respect to the fans and great respect to the possibility of turning a buck. Here are some of the truly great comic book movies.


-- By The Golden Boy


5. V for Vendetta, based on the masterful graphic novel by Alan Moore, was treated with both care for the source material and respect for fans - both key elements to a comic film. Hugo Weaving brought great dimension to V with a dark passion for justice while combining elegant body language that gave depth to a character. He also wasn’t afraid to add some humor. Natalie Portman gave another steady performance in a film by the Wachowski brothers, Andy and Larry (better known for the Matrix series). All in all a stand out film for people who never even knew it was a comic and die hard fans of Moore.


4. Iron Man was my favorite book as a kid, and it killed me to rank this at number four. Jon Favreau shook off critics to bring a fun, multi-dimensional film about the complex character of Tony Stark, played with precision by Robert Downey Jr. Stark is an alcoholic, womanizer who deals weapons that kill people facing down his demons as he becomes a hero. This was a great origin story supported by a cast that has never been matched in other comic films - Downey, Jeff Bridges, Gwyneth Paltrow, all of who have been nominated or won Academy Awards. The only downfall was Terrance Howard, who was wooden and too chummy as Stark’s best friend Rhodey.


3. The Dark Knight is simply a great detective, noir film with excellent acting and superb directing. The show was stole by the Joker, portrayed in the Academy Award winning role by Heath Ledger. Sadly, his death means the character will no longer exist in the series, brought back to life by director Christopher Nolan. This is a comic book movie that reaches a broad audience because it’s simply a good film with engaging characters, smart action, and villains that work. The scene where the Joker slams a thugs face down on a pencil was simply perfect.


2. Watchmen is a movie that will turn a lot of heads on this list, and perhaps rightfully so. However, the film was perfect in my mind. There was great respect given to the source material, the best selling comic book series in history. The film looked beautiful and was no easy task to complete - given the amount of characters and the depth they are given in the book. However, director Zach Snyder was wise to focus in on Walter Kovacs/Rorschach, who is the most challenging character to the viewer - he‘s a murderer of evil people, but still a murderer. There were several scenes that were directly taken from the pages of the books, including dialogue, which is something that really hasn’t been done before. The ending was changed, which made many comic fans complain, but was a wise choice. It still had the same result, but eliminated the giant squid - which wouldn’t have worked on the big screen.


1. Superman: The Movie was the first film to take the comic genre seriously, and it is a flawlessly made film. It is a charming, funny, exciting film with a performance by
Christopher Reeve that can never be matched. He was a bumbling nerd as Clark Kent, and graceful and beautiful as Superman. Margot Kidder was a feisty Lois Lane, who brought humor and romance to the story, while Gene Hackman brought a comical, but dark Lex Luthor. This movie has yet to be surpassed in the genre. Richard Donner clearly loved Superman and gave the utmost care in casting and writing this wonderful origin story of America’s most famous and beloved super hero.


-- By Average Boy


5. Batman Begins- Christopher Nolan did the impossible. Within 15 minutes, he manages to wash away one of the worst film experiences ever in Batman and Robin by bringing us a gem of a film. This is Detective Comics: dark, moody, atmospheric, gripping, and rooted in a loose reality that we can believe in. The cast is superlative. Bale perfectly embodies the angst of Bruce Wayne along with the rage of Batman, Caine is brilliant as Alfred, and Cillian Murphy gives us a chilling Scarecrow. The lone miss in this film is Katie Holmes who comes in flat and nearly sinks any dramatic moment she's associated with.

4. Iron Man- This is nearly as brilliant a comedy as it is an action film. Robert Downey Jr. carries this entire film and cements himself as an A list star who is gripping every time he is on screen. It's an oscar caliber performance and a true breaking out for director Jon Favreau who previously was mainly known for his low budget comedy hit Swingers.

3. Spider Man 2- By far the best of the Spider Man series. This takes Peter Parker in a much darker direction where he has to confront a crossroads in his personal life interfering with the gift that has been given to him to help save the world from itself. Most comic book films are at their best when the hero's true fight is against their own demons and this is no exception. This film also gives us Alfred Molina in a terrific turn as Doctor Octopus who manages to grab our sympathy as well as our attention. That's pretty impressive for a film about a guy with Spider powers.

2. The Dark Knight- The quintessential Batman film. Nolan essentially took a complex interwoven Scorsese film and managed to slot it in Gotham City. This film raises serious moral question about choices that people make when they are at their lowest and most desperate moments and how their instinctive reactions can label their good or evil. Of course, the puppet master in all of this is a sick and crazed anarchist that we know as the Joker who is played note perfect by Heath Ledger in an Oscar winning performance that can never be overstated as stunning and masterful. The plot weaves, characters die, decisions are made, and at the end few are left standing. It's a must see for anyone who just likes good movies.

1. Superman: the Movie- I was torn between this and Dark Knight but I had to choose the originator of the serious comic book film. Before Richard Donner gave the Verisimilitude to Superman, comic books were known for Adam East's Batman and George Reeves' Superman. While entertaining, they were treated as a joke that never took the material more seriously than a comic strip. Donner changed the rules by taking Superman and placing him in an epic adventure the likes of Ben Hur of Lawrence of Arabia. We follow him from being a baby , to his teenage years at Smallville, to his rise as Superman with breathtaking cinematography by the late Geoffrey Unsworth(of 2001 fame). The cast is absolutely perfect. Christopher Reeve absolutely embodies Superman to such a degree that he never really broke out from the role. He WAS Superman. All these years later, when I hear John Williams score, I still believe a man can fly.

Top 5 Worst Comic Book Movies

There are a ton of bad comic book movies. In fact, the ratio of bad far outweighs the good. But here are the worst of the worst.


-- By The Bronx Kid

5- Superman 3
Poor Supes. This series of films was always thought to be the equivalent of a very cute baby that turned into a butt ugly adult. Chris Reeve and the iconic man of steel deserved much better. Richard (post “Oh shit I just caught on fire from freebasing cocaine!”) Pryor? Really? Why not Cheech and Chong? Or Abbott and Costello meet Superman? After the wretched slapstick opening when Clark is involved in “pie in the face” antics you just knew you were in for a crapbag of a sequel. Annette O’Toole was pretty hot though but the corny video game attack on Superman really made me cringe. Good times.
4- Superman 4-The Quest for Peace
Gee, Superman 3 kinda sucked so let’s get it right this time…but Nooooo. When I saw that this movie was to be produced by those hairy hacks Golan/Globus of infamous Cannon films fame I wanted to yank my eyelids off. What the hell happened to this once great franchise? Did Warner Brothers just run out of money and hand over the reins to a bunch of pimply high school foreign exchange students? Why was Margot Kidder completely bombed through this film while looking like she fell asleep under a hot lamp? What’s with that “Quest for Peace title?” Is this about King Arthur and the Knights of the round table? Let’s not mention the bad hairdo on Reeve and the very bad effect shots that were used over and over again like some bad Japanese monster movie. Reeve did not deserve to end it this way. Oh and I just wanted to kick that Jon Cryer’s ass everytime he was onscreen.
3- Catwoman
Huh? Where the hell did Michelle Pfeiffer go? I thought she was Catwoman? I’m confused and scared because I saw Sharon Stone playing opposite what’s her name who is not Michelle Pfeiffer. The scene where she orders milk at the Nightclub…UGH. What is one most likely to find in a dirty box of kitty litter? A DVD copy of Catwoman. Ha! I crack myself up.
2- The Punisher (1989)
When you can’t even put Frank Castle AKA “The Punisher” in the right Punisher costume then your production is going into the proverbial comic book movie crapper. I couldn’t even understand Lundgren when he spoke much less believe he had the mental capacity to exact revenge on the people who killed his family.
1-Batman and Robin
Now come on…how could this film NOT make the number one spot? The cancer that was Joel Schumacher began to spread in the last Batman outing when we were introduced to homo erotic statues inundating Gotham’s cityscape, shots of bat nipples and asses and every frame and shot being lit by neon. Now good ole Joel keeps the crazy train rolling with this way ,way over the top Dayglo Sissyfest. A nail in the coffin that was the Batman franchise. The lame Mr Freeze one-liner puns like “Ice to freeze you” and such just piss me off and literally is an insult to true Batman fans. The action pieces were like watching really bad Off - Broadway shows about disco dancing . Are those ice skates in your bat boots??? Clooney was just dull and his annoying head wobbling make him look like he needed a heroin fix. I would have rather seen Adam West come back to do a film. Well, maybe not.

-- By The Golden Boy

5. Supergirl. Even Helen Slater’s hotness can’t save this film. While her long, golden locks and tight, complimenting Supergirl costume are titillating, the plot is horrible. She comes to Earth to save her home city on Krypton (which was blown up a long time ago, by the way) and dukes it out with a witch. Couldn’t we come up with a better enemy than a witch? Also, how did they convince Sir Peter O’Toole and Faye Dunaway to make this? The producers should have been given an Academy Award for that alone. They should have gotten a Christopher Reeve cameo, though.



4. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. The most unfortunate part of this film is that it was the swan song of the Oscar-winning great Shawn Connery. The brilliant career of Connery was punctuated by a film where Captain Nemo is Middle Eastern, complete with turban and pointed shoes. They really should have thrown in a flying carpet for good measure, but instead he had a submarine the size of Manhattan and he was a sword swinging ninja. Alan Moore is a brilliant comic book writer, but this movie was a piece of garbage. And why would Tom Sawyer be a sharp shooting cowboy-type? It makes no sense. Works on the page, but not on the screen. A giant failure.
3. Judge Dredd. Sylvester Stalone stars in this futuristic film about a future where police are the judge, jury and executioner. Stop. You had me at Sylvester Stalone – the man who has to remake movies that were a success thirty years ago. The movie looks ridiculous with the silly outfits and bad acting and dialogue. Here’s a choice clip.
Judge Dredd: [sentencing the Block Warlord] Mega City Municiple Code, 213: Willfull destruction of property, that's two years. Code 310: Illegal possession of assault weapons, five years. Code 457: Resisting arrest, TWENTY years! And code 3613: The first degree murder of a street judge...
Block Warlord: Let me guess: Life.
[he goes for his gun, but Dredd shoots him first]
Judge Dredd: Death. Court's adjourned.

2. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. This movie was a waste because it brought back the complete original cast of the first film, which was a triumph for comic book lovers. The dialogue in this film is so horrible, not even an Oscar-winner like Gene Hackman can rescue it. In fact, Gene Hackman had to do the voiceover for Nuclear Man, played by Mark Pillow (who never worked in acting again) because his delivery was so bad. The dialogue killed this film even more than its plot. Unfortunately Christopher Reeve, who of course played Superman, has a writing credit.
[Superman and Nuclear Man confront each other in downtown Metropolis]Nuclear Man: Where is the woman?
Superman: Give it up, you'll never find her.
Nuclear Man: If you will not tell me, I will hurt people!
[Nuclear Man begins to cause mass destruction]
Superman: Stop! Don't do it, the people!

1. Batman and Robin. Iceman asks the question: “What killed the dinosaurs?” His answer: “The ICE AGE!” I asked the question, what killed the early Batman series? The answer: Joel Schumacher.
This movie steps over the boundary of camp and well into the land of crap. Tim Burton’s memorable Batman from 1989 was campy while good. Lines from the Joker, like, “Where does he get those wonderful toys” stay with you, but at the same time are funny and fun.
This Batman, which includes Batgirl and Poison Ivy, wreaks of bad writing and gratuitous Batman butt shots (see video below). Schumacher has since publicly apologized for the film. The film’s dialogue made me wriggle in my seat with discomfort. They couldn’t have crammed in any more ice puns if they tried. (see video below). Thank God for “The Dark Knight.”

Top 5 Wrestlers of the 80s

The 80's were the glory days of wrestling. The best matches, the best drama, and there was still a bit of innocence to it. There were also some of the goofiest and creative characters - George The Animal Steele, Ko Ko B-Ware, and the Killer Bees. Here, two writers rank their Top 5 Wrestlers of the 80s.

-- By Sweet Lew

5. Rowdy Roddy Piper: I used to love when the bagpipes would start, the entire arena would turn around, and old Roddy would come strutting out through the curtains on his way to the ring. You loved him, you hated him, sometimes both. He smashed Jimmy Snuka over the head with coconuts and fought Hulk Hogan in the biggest wrestling match ever, at Wrestlemania I. That’s good enough for this list.

4. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine: Wildly underrated in my opinion, Valentine was vicious but effective. He was awesome in tag team action with Brutus Beefcake (the “Dream Team”), and he was a fantastic technical wrestler as well. Plus he had great “bad guy” mannerisms.

3. Bret Hart: What else can you say about a man who had an amazing career, despite never being the biggest, fastest, or smoothest? Hart, who gave me the phase “excellence of execution,” as well as many others, kicked butt as part of the Hart Foundation, then was terrific in WCW and the WWE on his own.

2. Randy “Macho Man’ Savage: There may not have been a cooler wrestler, ever. He had the shades, he had the flowing robes fit for some king from the 1600s, and of course he had the ultimate wrestling hottie, Miss Elizabeth. The flying elbow off the top rope was practiced by me and thousands of others in rec rooms across America in the 1980s. Plus, no one ever spit more when they were cutting a promo than Macho Man.

1. Ric Flair: There’s no debate about this, just like there’s no debate about who the greatest NBA player ever is. For four decades the “Nature Boy” has been spectacular. He takes a beating, he bleeds like a champ, he’s the best interview I’ve ever seen in wrestling, and he got up and did it every damn day. Go back and watch his old matches with Kerry Von Erich and tell me he’s not the best, ever.

(Note, Hulk Hogan was not on this list because he was a truly horrible wrestler)

-- By Iowa Love

I currently own the DVD set of the first five Wrestlemanias, purchased mainly for Wrestlemania I, in which the coolest guy on the planet wrestled in the headline match. Of course, I'm talking about Mr. T. This was also the Wrestlemania that my father and the 6-year-old me saw via closed circuit TV at our local arena and the one where I still own the commemorative program. So, anyway this list is based largely on the first three Wrestlemanias, which I have recently reviewed, because, well, the first three are really all you need.
The other two DVDs this list is based off of are The Princess Bride, which I have previously owned, and The Goonies. The Princess Bride is included because my wife insists upon it. She watched some wrestling in the 1980s, but knows Andre the Giant best for his role in this film. The Goonies is included because of The Goonies-based Cyndi Lauper video on the disc as an extra. Lauper, as some may recall, was a guest manager at Wrestlemania I, and included several wrestling notables in a sometimes inexplicable mini Goonies video remake.

5. Nikolai Volkoff
What better villan could there be in the mid-1980s than a Russian who sings the Russian national antham before matches? Nicolai Volkoff was
that guy, enduring taunts of every spectator in the house to honor his mother country. Then he would take every opportunity his
tag-team partner would offer, smashing his opponent's face into the pointed shoes of the Iron Shiek. Volkoff also knew how to milk a fake cow, donning overalls to milk the cow in the bed of a pickup truck in the Goonies video. Don't worry, it makes perfect sense.
4. Randy "Macho Man" Savage
OOOhhh, yeahhh. The Macho Man was cool in the look-at-me-I'm-so-cool sort of way. I wish I was that cool, sequined cool. Everyone, including George "The Animal" Steele, always fawned over Miss Elizabeth. I didn't really see it, though. The Macho Man used Steele's distraction for Miss Elizabeth to defeat the turn-buckle champing Steele at Wrestlemania II. Savage's Wrestlemania III match with Ricky Steamboat was a classic, with The Animal helping out The Dragon in a bid to woo Miss Elizabeth. I would also like to suggest here to Snap into a Slim Jim, but there is no reference to Slim Jims in the DVD collection, so I won't.
3. Mr. T
I originally had Mr. T higher on this list. But after reviewing his performance in Wrestlemanias I and II, I had to drop him down. I was solely going on my memory of his performance in my initial calculation. But I really didn't have a memory. I don't actually remember much from watching it when I was 6. I do vividly remember accepting gum, apparently for the first time, and learning gum was for chewing, not eating. Anyway, after watching it again, Mr. T's performance was rather pedestrian, with tag-team partner Hulk Hogan doing the heavy lifting. But, seriously, he's Mr. T.
2. Andre the Giant
1. Rowdy Roddy Piper
It's Andre the Giant and Rowdy Roddy Piper in that order. My wife strenuously argued for Andre over Rowdy based solely on their 1980s movie careers, Andre in Princess Bride and Rowdy in "Hell comes to Frogtown." Somehow she believes staring in a movie opposite mutant frogs is a negative. As I had never heard of this movie, and it is a movie I do not and have not owned, it, of course, cannot be considered here. Besides, starring opposite mutant frogs doesn't have to be a negative.
It is close. Both faced Hogan in Wrestlemania main events, Piper losing and knocking out a referee, Andre losing after being body slammed by a Hulk who moments before appeared to need back surgery. I was never a fan of Hogan's, or taking my vitamins, for that matter.
But Piper had the range. He could not only wrestle, but he could box, taking on Mr. T at Wrestlemania II. And by boxing, I mean being disqualified for bodyslamming Mr. T when the match wasn't going his way. Then he also knocked out the referee after the title match of the first Wrestlemania when that match didn't go his way. I do find it odd that my parents refused to let me get a Mohawk, but they never told me I couldn't wear a kilt. Maybe it's because I didn't ask.
Both Andre and Rowdy were also in the aforementioned Lauper video. Clinching it for Rowdy was his performance here as a level-headed businessman in suit and kilt, simply trying to get what's owed to him from the "lovely peasants." Of course Andre shows up at the end, but in an odd get-up to chase away Piper, a development that Piper complains about as he's running. It wasn't supposed to end like that. Andre's appearance, in my view, is not adequately explained. Of course random Hibachi chefs aren't explained, either. But this is a plot hole I cannot overlook and one that helped cost Andre the Top 5 title.

Top 5 Worst Parts of Being a Teenager

Being a teenager sucked for many reasons. Here are two Top 5 lists with two of our writers who lay out their own embarassing moments of their teen years. Thank god they only last for seven years.

-- By Ben S.

5. Not Being Able To Drink Constantly
You're 16 and you just got dumped. Or maybe you got made fun of in class. Maybe you got a bad grade on your test or you've been lied to by a friend. What do you do? You have to face your feelings and learn how to deal with the consequences. GAY! Once you reach your adult years you have the luxury of just being able to buy a 6 pack and go, "Sucks." There's no life lesson that's more valuable than a couple of car bombs.

4. Drugs
Taking that acid that you're buddy swore was gonna "expand your mind" seemed like a good idea at the time. But by the time you got all the spiders off of you and you shift changed back from the glass of orange juice in the ER you're just left with a case of post traumatic stress syndrome. You could've gotten that buy just signing up for the military!

3. Adults Who Care
One thing you learn as an adult is that no one ACTUALLY cares. So you know when that guidance counselor patted you on your back and left their hand on you just a second too long with a warm look in the eye and you got creeped out? You were right.

2. Homework
You should really be smoking pot and listening to Slayer instead.

1. Second Base
Okay... Seems like a good idea at the time. When you're a teenage boy it's your job to play offense and it's the girls job to play defense and really in those days, you're not hitting a home run(Editor’s Note: Life still the same for the author). So, where do you end up? Second base. Which is not that bad at first. But not knowing anything about sportsmanship you stay there as long as you can. You're just happy to be there! Fast forward an hour later and your mouth has covered every inch of breast at least 40 times leaving the girls nerves totally numb, a weird skin like taste in your mouth and some severely chaffed genitals.

-- By The Golden Boy

5. Hating your parents. It’s pretty shameful, but I truly hated my parents. I really thought they were out to get me, despite the fact that my mother provided me with clothing, food, shelter, and helped pay for my college education. I guess I wanted absolute freedom – to have girls over, smoke pot and drink at my own free will without any interruption. How dare she try to stop my self-destructive habits!?

4. Style choices. I was the kind of weird fashion kid in school. I used to rock a plaid skirt of my mother’s with Army boots and goofy T-shirts, like one I got off the back of a Mr. Bubbles bubble bath bottle by sending in UPCs. I only wore corduroy pants, Simple sneakers, and had a Mohawk that I died all kinds of goofy colors. When I was 14 I got my nose pieced. By 16, I had both my nipples pierced and a labret. Lord knows what I was thinking.... oh wait, I wasn't.

3. Being broke. I probably wouldn’t have been broke as often as I was if I didn’t spend every penny on pot and concert tickets. I had jobs through most of my teen years (a Top 5 list to come). I worked at Sears, Radio Shack, Subway, my girlfriend’s mom’s business, Media Play, and a few internships in college. But I was always, always broke. I hated having to scratch together gas money, or return bottles to buy cigarettes. I was one of the worst cigarette bums ever!

2. Girlfriends. This easily could have been #1. I had a couple of prized queens. My friends still refer to one of them as Psycho Sue, who used to steal my keys every time I tried to leave her house. She would often stand behind my truck, refusing to move as I slowly backed out of the driveway. Once, she jumped in the back of the truck and climbed in through the window. Another time, she took my keys when I was trying to leave work – where she also worked. I had to call security to get them back, and when security showed up she whipped the keys at my truck, scratching it all up. Another girl faked a pregnancy, they all were jealous, the sex was never very good, and it just was never worth all the hassle.


1. Quest for sex. This has to be #1, simply because it is the cause of #2. Maybe I was an extreme case, but my life was pretty much a quest to get laid. I’m quite certain I wasn’t very good at sex, but my balls were on fire. I was a walking, talking, erection that needed to get off five times a day. In some ways, those were the good days - twice is a good day now. On the other hand, my head was clouded with hormones so much that I was picking really terrible girls to hang out with simply because they put out. I remember all the quickies in public bathrooms, changing rooms at malls, cars, parks, playgrounds, sports fields, woods, under a bridge, and the list goes on. The amount of sex isn’t the point. It’s the stupid things it makes you do – like dating a gal named Psycho Sue for a year.