Top 5 Worst Parts of Being a Teenager

Being a teenager sucked for many reasons. Here are two Top 5 lists with two of our writers who lay out their own embarassing moments of their teen years. Thank god they only last for seven years.

-- By Ben S.

5. Not Being Able To Drink Constantly
You're 16 and you just got dumped. Or maybe you got made fun of in class. Maybe you got a bad grade on your test or you've been lied to by a friend. What do you do? You have to face your feelings and learn how to deal with the consequences. GAY! Once you reach your adult years you have the luxury of just being able to buy a 6 pack and go, "Sucks." There's no life lesson that's more valuable than a couple of car bombs.

4. Drugs
Taking that acid that you're buddy swore was gonna "expand your mind" seemed like a good idea at the time. But by the time you got all the spiders off of you and you shift changed back from the glass of orange juice in the ER you're just left with a case of post traumatic stress syndrome. You could've gotten that buy just signing up for the military!

3. Adults Who Care
One thing you learn as an adult is that no one ACTUALLY cares. So you know when that guidance counselor patted you on your back and left their hand on you just a second too long with a warm look in the eye and you got creeped out? You were right.

2. Homework
You should really be smoking pot and listening to Slayer instead.

1. Second Base
Okay... Seems like a good idea at the time. When you're a teenage boy it's your job to play offense and it's the girls job to play defense and really in those days, you're not hitting a home run(Editor’s Note: Life still the same for the author). So, where do you end up? Second base. Which is not that bad at first. But not knowing anything about sportsmanship you stay there as long as you can. You're just happy to be there! Fast forward an hour later and your mouth has covered every inch of breast at least 40 times leaving the girls nerves totally numb, a weird skin like taste in your mouth and some severely chaffed genitals.

-- By The Golden Boy

5. Hating your parents. It’s pretty shameful, but I truly hated my parents. I really thought they were out to get me, despite the fact that my mother provided me with clothing, food, shelter, and helped pay for my college education. I guess I wanted absolute freedom – to have girls over, smoke pot and drink at my own free will without any interruption. How dare she try to stop my self-destructive habits!?

4. Style choices. I was the kind of weird fashion kid in school. I used to rock a plaid skirt of my mother’s with Army boots and goofy T-shirts, like one I got off the back of a Mr. Bubbles bubble bath bottle by sending in UPCs. I only wore corduroy pants, Simple sneakers, and had a Mohawk that I died all kinds of goofy colors. When I was 14 I got my nose pieced. By 16, I had both my nipples pierced and a labret. Lord knows what I was thinking.... oh wait, I wasn't.

3. Being broke. I probably wouldn’t have been broke as often as I was if I didn’t spend every penny on pot and concert tickets. I had jobs through most of my teen years (a Top 5 list to come). I worked at Sears, Radio Shack, Subway, my girlfriend’s mom’s business, Media Play, and a few internships in college. But I was always, always broke. I hated having to scratch together gas money, or return bottles to buy cigarettes. I was one of the worst cigarette bums ever!

2. Girlfriends. This easily could have been #1. I had a couple of prized queens. My friends still refer to one of them as Psycho Sue, who used to steal my keys every time I tried to leave her house. She would often stand behind my truck, refusing to move as I slowly backed out of the driveway. Once, she jumped in the back of the truck and climbed in through the window. Another time, she took my keys when I was trying to leave work – where she also worked. I had to call security to get them back, and when security showed up she whipped the keys at my truck, scratching it all up. Another girl faked a pregnancy, they all were jealous, the sex was never very good, and it just was never worth all the hassle.


1. Quest for sex. This has to be #1, simply because it is the cause of #2. Maybe I was an extreme case, but my life was pretty much a quest to get laid. I’m quite certain I wasn’t very good at sex, but my balls were on fire. I was a walking, talking, erection that needed to get off five times a day. In some ways, those were the good days - twice is a good day now. On the other hand, my head was clouded with hormones so much that I was picking really terrible girls to hang out with simply because they put out. I remember all the quickies in public bathrooms, changing rooms at malls, cars, parks, playgrounds, sports fields, woods, under a bridge, and the list goes on. The amount of sex isn’t the point. It’s the stupid things it makes you do – like dating a gal named Psycho Sue for a year.