There are plenty of great poetic song writers - Bob Dylon and Elvis Costello. But for every genius there are ten idiots. Here are five idiots… well, there’s one genius here that wrote one bad line… but the rest are idiots.
5. Bad, Michael Jackson
“You’re butt is mine.”
Do I need to say anything else?
4. God Gave Rock and Roll to You, KISS
This song sucks, first and foremost. But it’s comical hook makes us forget about spitting blood on stage, setting guitars on fire, and Detroit Rock City. There are sucky lines o’plenty, such as: “You don’t have money or a fancy car, And you’re tired of wishin’ on a falling star, You gotta put your faith in a loud guitar.” But it’s not just that the lyrics suck, because they do, but the song is really about how they’re hard work and faith in God made their success. Example: “You can take a stand, or you can compromise, You can work real hard or just fantasize, But you don’t start livin’ ‘til you realize - I gotta tell ya! God gave rock and roll to you.” WHAT?! Well that just sucks all the Knights In Satan’s Service right out of metal.
3. Thong Song, Sisqo
This one-hit wonder with the silver hair brought us this toe-tapping ditty about our favorite undergarment, the thong.
“I like it when the beat goes da na da naBaby make your booty go da na da naGirl I know you wanna show da na da naThat thong th thong thong thong”
Yea, “da na da na.” He really sang that, and it was really a hit. It sounds like a children’s song gone wrong. The other inspiring line of this song is, “She had dumps like a truck truck truck, Thighs like what what what, Baby move your butt butt butt.” What are dumps? If it’s on a woman’s body, and it looks like a truck, I want no part. And what were her thighs like? Theologians will be debating for centuries.
2. Redneck Woman, Gretchen Wilson
The woman who keeps her Christmas lights on all year ‘round gives us plenty of fodder with this cutesy, low-brow hit that makes me glad to be a Yankee. Gems like: “No I can’t swig that sweet champagne, I’d rather drink beer all night in a tavern or in a honky tonk, or on a 4-wheel drive tailgate.” Or, you could use “or” in succession a few more times. Or not.
She goes on to proclaim with southern pride: “Some people look down on me, But I don’t give a rip, I’ll stand barefooted in my own front yard, with a baby on my hip.”
She is right, she certainly is a redneck woman, and not in any way, shape or form, a high class broad. But do you have to shout it from atop your tin-roofed shanty?
1. Feed my Frankenstein, Alice Cooper
“I’m a hungry man, But I don’t want pizza, I’ll blow down your house, And then I’m gonna eat ya” are the timeless words belched out by a middle-aged Alice Cooper on a giant stage with screaming fans in the hit movie “Wayne’s World.” What could be the funniest moment of the film, aside from the factual error that there are no fans of Alice Cooper, are the horrid lyrics he sings in this cheesy, trying-to-be edgy song. Cooper leaves little to the imagination when he sings this confusing line: “You don’t want to talk, So baby shut up, And let me drink the wine from your fur tea cup.” Who drinks wine from a vagina? A washed up, never-really-was-a-hit rocker who wears bondage clothing with a beer gut that sticks out from his skinny body and plays golf more than rock, that’s who. He even wrote a book about his love of golf. Weak.
-- Written by Golden Boy
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