-- By The Bronx Kid
5- Superman 3
Poor Supes. This series of films was always thought to be the equivalent of a very cute baby that turned into a butt ugly adult. Chris Reeve and the iconic man of steel deserved much better. Richard (post “Oh shit I just caught on fire from freebasing cocaine!”) Pryor? Really? Why not Cheech and Chong? Or Abbott and Costello meet Superman? After the wretched slapstick opening when Clark is involved in “pie in the face” antics you just knew you were in for a crapbag of a sequel. Annette O’Toole was pretty hot though but the corny video game attack on Superman really made me cringe. Good times.
4- Superman 4-The Quest for Peace
Gee, Superman 3 kinda sucked so let’s get it right this time…but Nooooo. When I saw that this movie was to be produced by those hairy hacks Golan/Globus of infamous Cannon films fame I wanted to yank my eyelids off. What the hell happened to this once great franchise? Did Warner Brothers just run out of money and hand over the reins to a bunch of pimply high school foreign exchange students? Why was Margot Kidder completely bombed through this film while looking like she fell asleep under a hot lamp? What’s with that “Quest for Peace title?” Is this about King Arthur and the Knights of the round table? Let’s not mention the bad hairdo on Reeve and the very bad effect shots that were used over and over again like some bad Japanese monster movie. Reeve did not deserve to end it this way. Oh and I just wanted to kick that Jon Cryer’s ass everytime he was onscreen.
3- Catwoman
Huh? Where the hell did Michelle Pfeiffer go? I thought she was Catwoman? I’m confused and scared because I saw Sharon Stone playing opposite what’s her name who is not Michelle Pfeiffer. The scene where she orders milk at the Nightclub…UGH. What is one most likely to find in a dirty box of kitty litter? A DVD copy of Catwoman. Ha! I crack myself up.
2- The Punisher (1989)
When you can’t even put Frank Castle AKA “The Punisher” in the right Punisher costume then your production is going into the proverbial comic book movie crapper. I couldn’t even understand Lundgren when he spoke much less believe he had the mental capacity to exact revenge on the people who killed his family.
1-Batman and Robin
Now come on…how could this film NOT make the number one spot? The cancer that was Joel Schumacher began to spread in the last Batman outing when we were introduced to homo erotic statues inundating Gotham’s cityscape, shots of bat nipples and asses and every frame and shot being lit by neon. Now good ole Joel keeps the crazy train rolling with this way ,way over the top Dayglo Sissyfest. A nail in the coffin that was the Batman franchise. The lame Mr Freeze one-liner puns like “Ice to freeze you” and such just piss me off and literally is an insult to true Batman fans. The action pieces were like watching really bad Off - Broadway shows about disco dancing . Are those ice skates in your bat boots??? Clooney was just dull and his annoying head wobbling make him look like he needed a heroin fix. I would have rather seen Adam West come back to do a film. Well, maybe not.
-- By The Golden Boy
5. Supergirl. Even Helen Slater’s hotness can’t save this film. While her long, golden locks and tight, complimenting Supergirl costume are titillating, the plot is horrible. She comes to Earth to save her home city on Krypton (which was blown up a long time ago, by the way) and dukes it out with a witch. Couldn’t we come up with a better enemy than a witch? Also, how did they convince Sir Peter O’Toole and Faye Dunaway to make this? The producers should have been given an Academy Award for that alone. They should have gotten a Christopher Reeve cameo, though.
4. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. The most unfortunate part of this film is that it was the swan song of the Oscar-winning great Shawn Connery. The brilliant career of Connery was punctuated by a film where Captain Nemo is Middle Eastern, complete with turban and pointed shoes. They really should have thrown in a flying carpet for good measure, but instead he had a submarine the size of Manhattan and he was a sword swinging ninja. Alan Moore is a brilliant comic book writer, but this movie was a piece of garbage. And why would Tom Sawyer be a sharp shooting cowboy-type? It makes no sense. Works on the page, but not on the screen. A giant failure.
3. Judge Dredd. Sylvester Stalone stars in this futuristic film about a future where police are the judge, jury and executioner. Stop. You had me at Sylvester Stalone – the man who has to remake movies that were a success thirty years ago. The movie looks ridiculous with the silly outfits and bad acting and dialogue. Here’s a choice clip.
Judge Dredd: [sentencing the Block Warlord] Mega City Municiple Code, 213: Willfull destruction of property, that's two years. Code 310: Illegal possession of assault weapons, five years. Code 457: Resisting arrest, TWENTY years! And code 3613: The first degree murder of a street judge...
Block Warlord: Let me guess: Life.
[he goes for his gun, but Dredd shoots him first]
Judge Dredd: Death. Court's adjourned.
2. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. This movie was a waste because it brought back the complete original cast of the first film, which was a triumph for comic book lovers. The dialogue in this film is so horrible, not even an Oscar-winner like Gene Hackman can rescue it. In fact, Gene Hackman had to do the voiceover for Nuclear Man, played by Mark Pillow (who never worked in acting again) because his delivery was so bad. The dialogue killed this film even more than its plot. Unfortunately Christopher Reeve, who of course played Superman, has a writing credit.
[Superman and Nuclear Man confront each other in downtown Metropolis]Nuclear Man: Where is the woman?
Superman: Give it up, you'll never find her.
Nuclear Man: If you will not tell me, I will hurt people!
[Nuclear Man begins to cause mass destruction]
Superman: Stop! Don't do it, the people!
1. Batman and Robin. Iceman asks the question: “What killed the dinosaurs?” His answer: “The ICE AGE!” I asked the question, what killed the early Batman series? The answer: Joel Schumacher.
This movie steps over the boundary of camp and well into the land of crap. Tim Burton’s memorable Batman from 1989 was campy while good. Lines from the Joker, like, “Where does he get those wonderful toys” stay with you, but at the same time are funny and fun.
This Batman, which includes Batgirl and Poison Ivy, wreaks of bad writing and gratuitous Batman butt shots (see video below). Schumacher has since publicly apologized for the film. The film’s dialogue made me wriggle in my seat with discomfort. They couldn’t have crammed in any more ice puns if they tried. (see video below). Thank God for “The Dark Knight.”
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