Both men and women have their flaws when it comes to sex. But this list is about women, who have some quirks and hang-ups, and many could use a few lessons from Dr. Ruth.
-- By The Golden Boy
5. Watching Porn. There are a couple angles on this. Some women think that men watch it because they're perverted or they want to fantasize about another woman. The truth is, it's just sexy to watch people get it on. The other angle is some women are squeamish about watching porn with their man. Again, they think it's dirty or wrong. But there's nothing wrong with it. Give it a shot, ladies, you may just like it. And I can guarantee your man will like it, too.
4. Lingerie. Some women think a silk nighty is lingerie. Look, it's cute, and it works, but we men want a flat-out dirty whore look. If it is crotchless, comes with a bustier, or you have "fuck me boots," pigtails, or anything you may see a stripper wear on stage, then you are heading in the right direction.
3. Sex toys. A lot of men are intimidated by them, but they don't know what they're missing. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't know what they're missing, either. Sure, lots of gals have a vibrator or two in the nightstand, but many are scared or grossed out by them. Once you go electric, you never go back. In fact, some women get hooked. But it's a guaranteed ticket to Orgasmville. Plus, you can use them during sex and foreplay, and it pleases the man and gives him a little break. Give it a shot, ladies.
2. Blow jobs. Most women I have ever been with claim to give amazing blow jobs. I have found if they boast of their blowing abilities, they're going to suck... suck at giving blow jobs, that is. The most common problem is teeth, or at least it has been in my experience. They scrape them up and down the shaft, making us squirm in pain, not pleasure. The other problem is snail speed. The gal will have one very slow gear, and she just doesn't mix it up. Some chicks just don't enjoy it, and you can tell - even if they don't say anything. It sucks the joy right out of it. Ladies, you just have to throw yourself into it. Practice makes perfect, so get to work!
1. Hand jobs. It's almost comical when most women try to give a hand job. We men came out of the womb tugging on our junk. We didn't even know it as babies, but we were playing with ourselves. And we don't really ever stop. Throughout our lives we have become masters of giving ourselves hand jobs. We can do it better, faster, and with minimal effort. I've had women tug on my penis, as if she were check to see if a rope was taut. Some squeeze it like they're choking a rat to death. Others grab it around the base and take half your pubes with each yanking stroke. You're better off attempting a blow job.
This is a tough topic to tackle. It’s not because there’s a huge pot of truly great comic book movies. In fact, the film industry has crapped out careless comic-based movies without any respect to the fans and great respect to the possibility of turning a buck. Here are some of the truly great comic book movies.
-- By The Golden Boy
5. V for Vendetta, based on the masterful graphic novel by Alan Moore, was treated with both care for the source material and respect for fans - both key elements to a comic film. Hugo Weaving brought great dimension to V with a dark passion for justice while combining elegant body language that gave depth to a character. He also wasn’t afraid to add some humor. Natalie Portman gave another steady performance in a film by the Wachowski brothers, Andy and Larry (better known for the Matrix series). All in all a stand out film for people who never even knew it was a comic and die hard fans of Moore.
4. Iron Man was my favorite book as a kid, and it killed me to rank this at number four. Jon Favreau shook off critics to bring a fun, multi-dimensional film about the complex character of Tony Stark, played with precision by Robert Downey Jr. Stark is an alcoholic, womanizer who deals weapons that kill people facing down his demons as he becomes a hero. This was a great origin story supported by a cast that has never been matched in other comic films - Downey, Jeff Bridges, Gwyneth Paltrow, all of who have been nominated or won Academy Awards. The only downfall was Terrance Howard, who was wooden and too chummy as Stark’s best friend Rhodey.
3. The Dark Knight is simply a great detective, noir film with excellent acting and superb directing. The show was stole by the Joker, portrayed in the Academy Award winning role by Heath Ledger. Sadly, his death means the character will no longer exist in the series, brought back to life by director Christopher Nolan. This is a comic book movie that reaches a broad audience because it’s simply a good film with engaging characters, smart action, and villains that work. The scene where the Joker slams a thugs face down on a pencil was simply perfect.
2. Watchmen is a movie that will turn a lot of heads on this list, and perhaps rightfully so. However, the film was perfect in my mind. There was great respect given to the source material, the best selling comic book series in history. The film looked beautiful and was no easy task to complete - given the amount of characters and the depth they are given in the book. However, director Zach Snyder was wise to focus in on Walter Kovacs/Rorschach, who is the most challenging character to the viewer - he‘s a murderer of evil people, but still a murderer. There were several scenes that were directly taken from the pages of the books, including dialogue, which is something that really hasn’t been done before. The ending was changed, which made many comic fans complain, but was a wise choice. It still had the same result, but eliminated the giant squid - which wouldn’t have worked on the big screen.
1. Superman: The Movie was the first film to take the comic genre seriously, and it is a flawlessly made film. It is a charming, funny, exciting film with a performance by Christopher Reeve that can never be matched. He was a bumbling nerd as Clark Kent, and graceful and beautiful as Superman. Margot Kidder was a feisty Lois Lane, who brought humor and romance to the story, while Gene Hackman brought a comical, but dark Lex Luthor. This movie has yet to be surpassed in the genre. Richard Donner clearly loved Superman and gave the utmost care in casting and writing this wonderful origin story of America’s most famous and beloved super hero.
-- By Average Boy
5. Batman Begins- Christopher Nolan did the impossible. Within 15 minutes, he manages to wash away one of the worst film experiences ever in Batman and Robin by bringing us a gem of a film. This is Detective Comics: dark, moody, atmospheric, gripping, and rooted in a loose reality that we can believe in. The cast is superlative. Bale perfectly embodies the angst of Bruce Wayne along with the rage of Batman, Caine is brilliant as Alfred, and Cillian Murphy gives us a chilling Scarecrow. The lone miss in this film is Katie Holmes who comes in flat and nearly sinks any dramatic moment she's associated with.
4. Iron Man- This is nearly as brilliant a comedy as it is an action film. Robert Downey Jr. carries this entire film and cements himself as an A list star who is gripping every time he is on screen. It's an oscar caliber performance and a true breaking out for director Jon Favreau who previously was mainly known for his low budget comedy hit Swingers. 3. Spider Man 2- By far the best of the Spider Man series. This takes Peter Parker in a much darker direction where he has to confront a crossroads in his personal life interfering with the gift that has been given to him to help save the world from itself. Most comic book films are at their best when the hero's true fight is against their own demons and this is no exception. This film also gives us Alfred Molina in a terrific turn as Doctor Octopus who manages to grab our sympathy as well as our attention. That's pretty impressive for a film about a guy with Spider powers.
2. The Dark Knight- The quintessential Batman film. Nolan essentially took a complex interwoven Scorsese film and managed to slot it in Gotham City. This film raises serious moral question about choices that people make when they are at their lowest and most desperate moments and how their instinctive reactions can label their good or evil. Of course, the puppet master in all of this is a sick and crazed anarchist that we know as the Joker who is played note perfect by Heath Ledger in an Oscar winning performance that can never be overstated as stunning and masterful. The plot weaves, characters die, decisions are made, and at the end few are left standing. It's a must see for anyone who just likes good movies.
1. Superman: the Movie- I was torn between this and Dark Knight but I had to choose the originator of the serious comic book film. Before Richard Donner gave the Verisimilitude to Superman, comic books were known for Adam East's Batman and George Reeves' Superman. While entertaining, they were treated as a joke that never took the material more seriously than a comic strip. Donner changed the rules by taking Superman and placing him in an epic adventure the likes of Ben Hur of Lawrence of Arabia. We follow him from being a baby , to his teenage years at Smallville, to his rise as Superman with breathtaking cinematography by the late Geoffrey Unsworth(of 2001 fame). The cast is absolutely perfect. Christopher Reeve absolutely embodies Superman to such a degree that he never really broke out from the role. He WAS Superman. All these years later, when I hear John Williams score, I still believe a man can fly.
There are a ton of bad comic book movies. In fact, the ratio of bad far outweighs the good. But here are the worst of the worst.
-- By The Bronx Kid
5- Superman 3 Poor Supes. This series of films was always thought to be the equivalent of a very cute baby that turned into a butt ugly adult. Chris Reeve and the iconic man of steel deserved much better. Richard (post “Oh shit I just caught on fire from freebasing cocaine!”) Pryor? Really? Why not Cheech and Chong? Or Abbott and Costello meet Superman? After the wretched slapstick opening when Clark is involved in “pie in the face” antics you just knew you were in for a crapbag of a sequel. Annette O’Toole was pretty hot though but the corny video game attack on Superman really made me cringe. Good times. 4- Superman 4-The Quest for Peace Gee, Superman 3 kinda sucked so let’s get it right this time…but Nooooo. When I saw that this movie was to be produced by those hairy hacks Golan/Globus of infamous Cannon films fame I wanted to yank my eyelids off. What the hell happened to this once great franchise? Did Warner Brothers just run out of money and hand over the reins to a bunch of pimply high school foreign exchange students? Why was Margot Kidder completely bombed through this film while looking like she fell asleep under a hot lamp? What’s with that “Quest for Peace title?” Is this about King Arthur and the Knights of the round table? Let’s not mention the bad hairdo on Reeve and the very bad effect shots that were used over and over again like some bad Japanese monster movie. Reeve did not deserve to end it this way. Oh and I just wanted to kick that Jon Cryer’s ass everytime he was onscreen. 3- Catwoman Huh? Where the hell did Michelle Pfeiffer go? I thought she was Catwoman? I’m confused and scared because I saw Sharon Stone playing opposite what’s her name who is not Michelle Pfeiffer. The scene where she orders milk at the Nightclub…UGH. What is one most likely to find in a dirty box of kitty litter? A DVD copy of Catwoman. Ha! I crack myself up. 2- The Punisher (1989) When you can’t even put Frank Castle AKA “The Punisher” in the right Punisher costume then your production is going into the proverbial comic book movie crapper. I couldn’t even understand Lundgren when he spoke much less believe he had the mental capacity to exact revenge on the people who killed his family. 1-Batman and Robin Now come on…how could this film NOT make the number one spot? The cancer that was Joel Schumacher began to spread in the last Batman outing when we were introduced to homo erotic statues inundating Gotham’s cityscape, shots of bat nipples and asses and every frame and shot being lit by neon. Now good ole Joel keeps the crazy train rolling with this way ,way over the top Dayglo Sissyfest. A nail in the coffin that was the Batman franchise. The lame Mr Freeze one-liner puns like “Ice to freeze you” and such just piss me off and literally is an insult to true Batman fans. The action pieces were like watching really bad Off - Broadway shows about disco dancing . Are those ice skates in your bat boots??? Clooney was just dull and his annoying head wobbling make him look like he needed a heroin fix. I would have rather seen Adam West come back to do a film. Well, maybe not.
-- By The Golden Boy
5. Supergirl. Even Helen Slater’s hotness can’t save this film. While her long, golden locks and tight, complimenting Supergirl costume are titillating, the plot is horrible. She comes to Earth to save her home city on Krypton (which was blown up a long time ago, by the way) and dukes it out with a witch. Couldn’t we come up with a better enemy than a witch? Also, how did they convince Sir Peter O’Toole and Faye Dunaway to make this? The producers should have been given an Academy Award for that alone. They should have gotten a Christopher Reeve cameo, though.
4. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. The most unfortunate part of this film is that it was the swan song of the Oscar-winning great Shawn Connery. The brilliant career of Connery was punctuated by a film where Captain Nemo is Middle Eastern, complete with turban and pointed shoes. They really should have thrown in a flying carpet for good measure, but instead he had a submarine the size of Manhattan and he was a sword swinging ninja. Alan Moore is a brilliant comic book writer, but this movie was a piece of garbage. And why would Tom Sawyer be a sharp shooting cowboy-type? It makes no sense. Works on the page, but not on the screen. A giant failure. 3. Judge Dredd. Sylvester Stalone stars in this futuristic film about a future where police are the judge, jury and executioner. Stop. You had me at Sylvester Stalone – the man who has to remake movies that were a success thirty years ago. The movie looks ridiculous with the silly outfits and bad acting and dialogue. Here’s a choice clip. Judge Dredd: [sentencing the Block Warlord] Mega City Municiple Code, 213: Willfull destruction of property, that's two years. Code 310: Illegal possession of assault weapons, five years. Code 457: Resisting arrest, TWENTY years! And code 3613: The first degree murder of a street judge... Block Warlord: Let me guess: Life. [he goes for his gun, but Dredd shoots him first] Judge Dredd: Death. Court's adjourned.
2. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. This movie was a waste because it brought back the complete original cast of the first film, which was a triumph for comic book lovers. The dialogue in this film is so horrible, not even an Oscar-winner like Gene Hackman can rescue it. In fact, Gene Hackman had to do the voiceover for Nuclear Man, played by Mark Pillow (who never worked in acting again) because his delivery was so bad. The dialogue killed this film even more than its plot. Unfortunately Christopher Reeve, who of course played Superman, has a writing credit. [Superman and Nuclear Man confront each other in downtown Metropolis]Nuclear Man: Where is the woman? Superman: Give it up, you'll never find her. Nuclear Man: If you will not tell me, I will hurt people! [Nuclear Man begins to cause mass destruction] Superman: Stop! Don't do it, the people!
1. Batman and Robin. Iceman asks the question: “What killed the dinosaurs?” His answer: “The ICE AGE!” I asked the question, what killed the early Batman series? The answer: Joel Schumacher. This movie steps over the boundary of camp and well into the land of crap. Tim Burton’s memorable Batman from 1989 was campy while good. Lines from the Joker, like, “Where does he get those wonderful toys” stay with you, but at the same time are funny and fun. This Batman, which includes Batgirl and Poison Ivy, wreaks of bad writing and gratuitous Batman butt shots (see video below). Schumacher has since publicly apologized for the film. The film’s dialogue made me wriggle in my seat with discomfort. They couldn’t have crammed in any more ice puns if they tried. (see video below). Thank God for “The Dark Knight.”
The 80's were the glory days of wrestling. The best matches, the best drama, and there was still a bit of innocence to it. There were also some of the goofiest and creative characters - George The Animal Steele, Ko Ko B-Ware, and the Killer Bees. Here, two writers rank their Top 5 Wrestlers of the 80s.
-- By Sweet Lew
5. Rowdy Roddy Piper: I used to love when the bagpipes would start, the entire arena would turn around, and old Roddy would come strutting out through the curtains on his way to the ring. You loved him, you hated him, sometimes both. He smashed Jimmy Snuka over the head with coconuts and fought Hulk Hogan in the biggest wrestling match ever, at Wrestlemania I. That’s good enough for this list.
4. Greg “The Hammer” Valentine: Wildly underrated in my opinion, Valentine was vicious but effective. He was awesome in tag team action with Brutus Beefcake (the “Dream Team”), and he was a fantastic technical wrestler as well. Plus he had great “bad guy” mannerisms.
3. Bret Hart: What else can you say about a man who had an amazing career, despite never being the biggest, fastest, or smoothest? Hart, who gave me the phase “excellence of execution,” as well as many others, kicked butt as part of the Hart Foundation, then was terrific in WCW and the WWE on his own.
2. Randy “Macho Man’ Savage: There may not have been a cooler wrestler, ever. He had the shades, he had the flowing robes fit for some king from the 1600s, and of course he had the ultimate wrestling hottie, Miss Elizabeth. The flying elbow off the top rope was practiced by me and thousands of others in rec rooms across America in the 1980s. Plus, no one ever spit more when they were cutting a promo than Macho Man.
1. Ric Flair: There’s no debate about this, just like there’s no debate about who the greatest NBA player ever is. For four decades the “Nature Boy” has been spectacular. He takes a beating, he bleeds like a champ, he’s the best interview I’ve ever seen in wrestling, and he got up and did it every damn day. Go back and watch his old matches with Kerry Von Erich and tell me he’s not the best, ever. (Note, Hulk Hogan was not on this list because he was a truly horrible wrestler)
-- By Iowa Love
I currently own the DVD set of the first five Wrestlemanias, purchased mainly for Wrestlemania I, in which the coolest guy on the planet wrestled in the headline match. Of course, I'm talking about Mr. T. This was also the Wrestlemania that my father and the 6-year-old me saw via closed circuit TV at our local arena and the one where I still own the commemorative program. So, anyway this list is based largely on the first three Wrestlemanias, which I have recently reviewed, because, well, the first three are really all you need. The other two DVDs this list is based off of are The Princess Bride, which I have previously owned, and The Goonies. The Princess Bride is included because my wife insists upon it. She watched some wrestling in the 1980s, but knows Andre the Giant best for his role in this film. The Goonies is included because of The Goonies-based Cyndi Lauper video on the disc as an extra. Lauper, as some may recall, was a guest manager at Wrestlemania I, and included several wrestling notables in a sometimes inexplicable mini Goonies video remake.
5. Nikolai Volkoff What better villan could there be in the mid-1980s than a Russian who sings the Russian national antham before matches? Nicolai Volkoff was that guy, enduring taunts of every spectator in the house to honor his mother country. Then he would take every opportunity his tag-team partner would offer, smashing his opponent's face into the pointed shoes of the Iron Shiek. Volkoff also knew how to milk a fake cow, donning overalls to milk the cow in the bed of a pickup truck in the Goonies video. Don't worry, it makes perfect sense. 4. Randy "Macho Man" Savage OOOhhh, yeahhh. The Macho Man was cool in the look-at-me-I'm-so-cool sort of way. I wish I was that cool, sequined cool. Everyone, including George "The Animal" Steele, always fawned over Miss Elizabeth. I didn't really see it, though. The Macho Man used Steele's distraction for Miss Elizabeth to defeat the turn-buckle champing Steele at Wrestlemania II. Savage's Wrestlemania III match with Ricky Steamboat was a classic, with The Animal helping out The Dragon in a bid to woo Miss Elizabeth. I would also like to suggest here to Snap into a Slim Jim, but there is no reference to Slim Jims in the DVD collection, so I won't. 3. Mr. T I originally had Mr. T higher on this list. But after reviewing his performance in Wrestlemanias I and II, I had to drop him down. I was solely going on my memory of his performance in my initial calculation. But I really didn't have a memory. I don't actually remember much from watching it when I was 6. I do vividly remember accepting gum, apparently for the first time, and learning gum was for chewing, not eating. Anyway, after watching it again, Mr. T's performance was rather pedestrian, with tag-team partner Hulk Hogan doing the heavy lifting. But, seriously, he's Mr. T. 2. Andre the Giant 1. Rowdy Roddy Piper It's Andre the Giant and Rowdy Roddy Piper in that order. My wife strenuously argued for Andre over Rowdy based solely on their 1980s movie careers, Andre in Princess Bride and Rowdy in "Hell comes to Frogtown." Somehow she believes staring in a movie opposite mutant frogs is a negative. As I had never heard of this movie, and it is a movie I do not and have not owned, it, of course, cannot be considered here. Besides, starring opposite mutant frogs doesn't have to be a negative. It is close. Both faced Hogan in Wrestlemania main events, Piper losing and knocking out a referee, Andre losing after being body slammed by a Hulk who moments before appeared to need back surgery. I was never a fan of Hogan's, or taking my vitamins, for that matter. But Piper had the range. He could not only wrestle, but he could box, taking on Mr. T at Wrestlemania II. And by boxing, I mean being disqualified for bodyslamming Mr. T when the match wasn't going his way. Then he also knocked out the referee after the title match of the first Wrestlemania when that match didn't go his way. I do find it odd that my parents refused to let me get a Mohawk, but they never told me I couldn't wear a kilt. Maybe it's because I didn't ask. Both Andre and Rowdy were also in the aforementioned Lauper video. Clinching it for Rowdy was his performance here as a level-headed businessman in suit and kilt, simply trying to get what's owed to him from the "lovely peasants." Of course Andre shows up at the end, but in an odd get-up to chase away Piper, a development that Piper complains about as he's running. It wasn't supposed to end like that. Andre's appearance, in my view, is not adequately explained. Of course random Hibachi chefs aren't explained, either. But this is a plot hole I cannot overlook and one that helped cost Andre the Top 5 title.
Being a teenager sucked for many reasons. Here are two Top 5 lists with two of our writers who lay out their own embarassing moments of their teen years. Thank god they only last for seven years.
-- By Ben S.
5. Not Being Able To Drink Constantly You're 16 and you just got dumped. Or maybe you got made fun of in class. Maybe you got a bad grade on your test or you've been lied to by a friend. What do you do? You have to face your feelings and learn how to deal with the consequences. GAY! Once you reach your adult years you have the luxury of just being able to buy a 6 pack and go, "Sucks." There's no life lesson that's more valuable than a couple of car bombs.
4. Drugs Taking that acid that you're buddy swore was gonna "expand your mind" seemed like a good idea at the time. But by the time you got all the spiders off of you and you shift changed back from the glass of orange juice in the ER you're just left with a case of post traumatic stress syndrome. You could've gotten that buy just signing up for the military!
3. Adults Who Care One thing you learn as an adult is that no one ACTUALLY cares. So you know when that guidance counselor patted you on your back and left their hand on you just a second too long with a warm look in the eye and you got creeped out? You were right.
2. Homework You should really be smoking pot and listening to Slayer instead.
1. Second Base Okay... Seems like a good idea at the time. When you're a teenage boy it's your job to play offense and it's the girls job to play defense and really in those days, you're not hitting a home run(Editor’s Note: Life still the same for the author). So, where do you end up? Second base. Which is not that bad at first. But not knowing anything about sportsmanship you stay there as long as you can. You're just happy to be there! Fast forward an hour later and your mouth has covered every inch of breast at least 40 times leaving the girls nerves totally numb, a weird skin like taste in your mouth and some severely chaffed genitals.
-- By The Golden Boy
5. Hating your parents. It’s pretty shameful, but I truly hated my parents. I really thought they were out to get me, despite the fact that my mother provided me with clothing, food, shelter, and helped pay for my college education. I guess I wanted absolute freedom – to have girls over, smoke pot and drink at my own free will without any interruption. How dare she try to stop my self-destructive habits!?
4. Style choices. I was the kind of weird fashion kid in school. I used to rock a plaid skirt of my mother’s with Army boots and goofy T-shirts, like one I got off the back of a Mr. Bubbles bubble bath bottle by sending in UPCs. I only wore corduroy pants, Simple sneakers, and had a Mohawk that I died all kinds of goofy colors. When I was 14 I got my nose pieced. By 16, I had both my nipples pierced and a labret. Lord knows what I was thinking.... oh wait, I wasn't.
3. Being broke. I probably wouldn’t have been broke as often as I was if I didn’t spend every penny on pot and concert tickets. I had jobs through most of my teen years (a Top 5 list to come). I worked at Sears, Radio Shack, Subway, my girlfriend’s mom’s business, Media Play, and a few internships in college. But I was always, always broke. I hated having to scratch together gas money, or return bottles to buy cigarettes. I was one of the worst cigarette bums ever!
2. Girlfriends. This easily could have been #1. I had a couple of prized queens. My friends still refer to one of them as Psycho Sue, who used to steal my keys every time I tried to leave her house. She would often stand behind my truck, refusing to move as I slowly backed out of the driveway. Once, she jumped in the back of the truck and climbed in through the window. Another time, she took my keys when I was trying to leave work – where she also worked. I had to call security to get them back, and when security showed up she whipped the keys at my truck, scratching it all up. Another girl faked a pregnancy, they all were jealous, the sex was never very good, and it just was never worth all the hassle.
1. Quest for sex. This has to be #1, simply because it is the cause of #2. Maybe I was an extreme case, but my life was pretty much a quest to get laid. I’m quite certain I wasn’t very good at sex, but my balls were on fire. I was a walking, talking, erection that needed to get off five times a day. In some ways, those were the good days - twice is a good day now. On the other hand, my head was clouded with hormones so much that I was picking really terrible girls to hang out with simply because they put out. I remember all the quickies in public bathrooms, changing rooms at malls, cars, parks, playgrounds, sports fields, woods, under a bridge, and the list goes on. The amount of sex isn’t the point. It’s the stupid things it makes you do – like dating a gal named Psycho Sue for a year.
There are plenty of celebrities out there... well not out there... who we think could be gay. Here are a couple Top 5 lists our writers whipped up with their suspects of who are still in the closet, no doubt trying on some fabulous clothes.
-- By The Golden Boy
5. Bert and Ernie. They may share separate beds, but they share one heart. Awwwww… these two dudes are certainly the gay couple on Sesame Street. As a kid, you never knew they were gay, you just knew they were “different.”
4. Richard Gere. I actually know this one for a fact. A friend of mine’s dad grew up across the street from him. He was a “unique child.” Also, just like they said in “Scream,” you can only hear that gerbil story so many times until you believe it… not that there’s anything wrong with that.
3. Zach Efron. Not many dudes want to make musicals. I think Gene Kelly was one of the few dudes to pull it off and make it manly. But he was athletic looking. Zach just looks like a twink, if we’re being honest with ourselves. In a few years, we’ll see him on the arm of some hunk on the red carpet. We’ve got your back, Zach, when you finally come out. We’re all here for you.
2. Prince. I know, I know. Everyone always reminds me of how much ass this guy gets. But I’ve never had the urge to put on some ass-less pants – in plastic yellow leopard print, no less – while strutting around on stage singing about “diamonds and pearls.” And I’m tired of hearing how great of an artist he is. He sucks.
1. Richard Simmons. This is the most controversial of the my Top 5 celebrities who may be gay. However, ol’ Richy Boy, with his sequined short-shorts and sympathy for fat people, has never officially come out of the closet. He’s a different generation than the people coming out now. He’s from the south, so I can understand his reason for hesitation. I guess he’s like Liberace, he doesn’t really need to come out. But we’ll all be sweating to the oldies with you, Richard (Another reason he could be gay is he uses his full name).
-- By Gia
1. Robin Williams. It's because he is so very hairy. Hairy people = gay in my mind. Which is just one of the reasons I am so politically incorrect. 2. Tom Cruise. Everyone says he likes it in the butt, so I believe it.
3. Me. Well, why not? I'm in the market for a new, cool bisexual identity. JK JK JK JK no, really Brooke Shields is nibbling my ear right now
4. Jack McBrayer, Kenneth from 30 Rock, because he was born that way, duh! Do your science.
5. That stuffed bear from the LaBatt Blue commercials. If he isn't a furrie, he must be a freak. Which means gay. Am I right or am I just hugely prejudiced?
PS, I love furries PS: Just kidding, I love what furries represent, not what they do. PS: Just kiddingPS:I love my stuffed animals, and they are now in the witness protection program for stuffies. PS: Just kidding. I hate stuffed animals. PS: Except for Brownie, my bear. BTW, have you seen him? He's missing.
TV is full of dumb - dumb concepts, dumb programs, and dumb ads. Here we debate the worst personality on television. There are so many choices, but two of our writers kick around some USDA prime candidates.
-- By Ben S.
5. Peter Griffin Guess who's not Homer Simpson? You.
4. Lou Dobbs One should assume he either got dumped by a Mexican girl at some point, or his "wife" cheated on him with an immigrant. Either way it looks like his head is eating itself.
3. Dane Cook Stop hitting on my girlfriend and tell some jokes.
2. Perez Hilton Setting gay people back 10 steps. Remember when you're friend Michael at the office made that snarky comment about your haircut in front of everyone and you just laughed it off because you thought you' were being tolerant? Well Perez Hilton makes it okay to punch him.
1. Glen Beck So, at first glance watching the clip from Glen Beck's show entitled, "Crying For His Country" he looks like a lunatic. But upon further review he's really no different from any douche bag you talk to at the bar about politics who's convinced of their own BS. The difference? There's cameras on him.
-- By Gia
5. Matt Louer, because he’s balding, and I can’t stand to look at ugly people. Also, he acts like a serious journalist, and he’s not.
4. Dr. Phil, he’s awful. He dispenses fake advice, like diets and marriage, and he’s probably a huge mess. I am very wary of advice givers. He’s too harsh.
3. Oprah, but only when she has celebrities, because it’s all about them being celebrities, and I don’t care about what it’s like to be a celebrity. When she does issue shows, it’s OK. I don’t care about her weight issues. She should always be fat and stick with it.
2. Barney, because he tried to usurp Big Bird as a childhood hero, and I resent that. Big Bird is the true hero. Know your place Barney, your second banana.
1. Flavor Flav, mostly because he looks like a little dragon of a man, gnarled like a tree trunk, and he keeps fathering all these children. What a loser. In between seasons, he’ll have another kid with someone else. I don’t like that.
There are plenty of great poetic song writers - Bob Dylon and Elvis Costello. But for every genius there are ten idiots. Here are five idiots… well, there’s one genius here that wrote one bad line… but the rest are idiots.
5. Bad, Michael Jackson “You’re butt is mine.” Do I need to say anything else?
4. God Gave Rock and Roll to You, KISS This song sucks, first and foremost. But it’s comical hook makes us forget about spitting blood on stage, setting guitars on fire, and Detroit Rock City. There are sucky lines o’plenty, such as: “You don’t have money or a fancy car, And you’re tired of wishin’ on a falling star, You gotta put your faith in a loud guitar.” But it’s not just that the lyrics suck, because they do, but the song is really about how they’re hard work and faith in God made their success. Example: “You can take a stand, or you can compromise, You can work real hard or just fantasize, But you don’t start livin’ ‘til you realize - I gotta tell ya! God gave rock and roll to you.” WHAT?! Well that just sucks all the Knights In Satan’s Service right out of metal.
3. Thong Song, Sisqo This one-hit wonder with the silver hair brought us this toe-tapping ditty about our favorite undergarment, the thong. “I like it when the beat goes da na da naBaby make your booty go da na da naGirl I know you wanna show da na da naThat thong th thong thong thong” Yea, “da na da na.” He really sang that, and it was really a hit. It sounds like a children’s song gone wrong. The other inspiring line of this song is, “She had dumps like a truck truck truck, Thighs like what what what, Baby move your butt butt butt.” What are dumps? If it’s on a woman’s body, and it looks like a truck, I want no part. And what were her thighs like? Theologians will be debating for centuries.
2. Redneck Woman, Gretchen Wilson The woman who keeps her Christmas lights on all year ‘round gives us plenty of fodder with this cutesy, low-brow hit that makes me glad to be a Yankee. Gems like: “No I can’t swig that sweet champagne, I’d rather drink beer all night in a tavern or in a honky tonk, or on a 4-wheel drive tailgate.” Or, you could use “or” in succession a few more times. Or not. She goes on to proclaim with southern pride: “Some people look down on me, But I don’t give a rip, I’ll stand barefooted in my own front yard, with a baby on my hip.” She is right, she certainly is a redneck woman, and not in any way, shape or form, a high class broad. But do you have to shout it from atop your tin-roofed shanty?
1. Feed my Frankenstein, Alice Cooper “I’m a hungry man, But I don’t want pizza, I’ll blow down your house, And then I’m gonna eat ya” are the timeless words belched out by a middle-aged Alice Cooper on a giant stage with screaming fans in the hit movie “Wayne’s World.” What could be the funniest moment of the film, aside from the factual error that there are no fans of Alice Cooper, are the horrid lyrics he sings in this cheesy, trying-to-be edgy song. Cooper leaves little to the imagination when he sings this confusing line: “You don’t want to talk, So baby shut up, And let me drink the wine from your fur tea cup.” Who drinks wine from a vagina? A washed up, never-really-was-a-hit rocker who wears bondage clothing with a beer gut that sticks out from his skinny body and plays golf more than rock, that’s who. He even wrote a book about his love of golf. Weak.
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Both men and women have their flaws when it comes to sex. But this list is about women, who have some quirks and hang-ups, and many could use a few lessons from Dr. Ruth. 
